Battle On...

Right now I am battling with my weight. I have so much to loose and I feel the task is so big that I tend to do not much about it. Sure, I've been working out more over the past month or so. And sure I've eaten better more days then I've eaten like crap, but...I'm still gaining weight.

Today I figured out why. You see I'm sad. I'm sad about how I have let myself go. I'm sad that I have been gluttonous at so many meals. I'm disappointed in the quantity of shiraz, zinfandel, and merlot that have slipped effortlessly down my throat. Top those beautiful glasses of vino off with the rich, high caloric, abundant food I've been eating....and here I am.

In a mere six months I have gained over thirty pounds. What the hell?!?!? In a mere six months I have gone from running a 10k to not being able to walk comfortably after running 2.5 miles. I know that *part* of this is due to my ankle injury, but *most* of it is.....me.

My counselor and I have been talking about my weight and she has asked me, "What are you stuffing?" I keep telling her, "Nothing." You see everything in my life is really good right now. My husband and I have been able to re-build a relationship that I never dreamed possible. My kids are fantastic. Besides the occasional "What were you thinking?" of my teens, I don't have a lot to complain about. I have an amazing sister who makes me laugh and wipes away my tears. My group of friends are highly supportive, and loving.

But I'm sad. As I was journaling today it hit me. Within the first minute of writing, this is what I wrote:

"I am so sad. With myself. I hate hate hate the way I look and feel right now. I feel uncomfortable, so I keep eating and drinking to numb how crappy I feel."

You see, I need to stop ignoring what I have done to my body. I need to stop pretending that I am not thirty pounds heavier then I was this spring. I need to stop numbing myself and let myself actually feel. I have been stuffing my feelings about my body and it must stop.

(For those of you on my cheering squad: I'm really not looking for any "it's okay, you're still pretty" type stuff. I just wanted to share what I am learning. <3)