I Need a New Drug

I'm tense.  I'm feeling cagey.  I'm angry and distraught.  I'm cranky, irritable, and feel distant from people.  In between bouts of anger and self-loathing, I feel guilty.  I should be counting my blessings (or my unicorns as a blogger friend calls them).  I have so much to be thankful for.  But instead I'm standing in the entryway of my house, in tears.  Not just the misty-eye type tears I normally have, we're talking full-on-crazy-longing-mourning-hysterical tears. All because...

I mentally and physically crave a bike ride race.  I need to feel the wind on my face.  I want my legs to scream at me while climbing giant hills.  I want to shred rock gardens and jump logs.  I want to dare myself to take drops I never thought I could.  I want sweat pouring down my face and mud on my tutu.  I want to be at the starting line when my boys take off.  I want to run to the next spectator area on the track so I can scream and cheer for them again and again.  I want to 'holla' for my fellow bikers and take pictures of my kid on the podium.  I want to eat chicken salad sandwiches near the hot dusty track.  I want my calendar full.   I want plans.  I want reasons why I *need* to take time for myself, not reasons why I can't.

I miss it so bad it hurts and I'm totally lost without it.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know where to go.  I don't know how to be.

~The MFP