This past week, I've screamed at the top of my lungs. I've said hurtful things. I've been sarcastic (above and beyond my normally acceptable sarcasm). I've sobbed loudly while holding tight to my husband. I've lost it in front of my children over and over again. I've laid in my bed - all alone, letting the tears silently stream down my face. What might be so awful, you might ask? TRAINING!
My mind has been liking the sloth/party like behavior I've been practicing over the last 10 months. It enjoys being medicated and clouded by too much food and drink. This mind of mine has made me feel like all the 'normal' things that have happened this week are major crises and that I 'need' a release of some sort. Just a drink or two....an extra helping of dinner...slightly more then the ounce of cheese I had allotted for my night time snack.
I should be clear, it's not my whole mind that enjoys this kind of medicated lifestyle. It's what my sister and another close friend like to call the Lizard Brain. Well, I must have made a break through by the end of the week because that little Lizard Brain inside me has been quiet. I didn't cave in. I held strong to my training guidelines. I kept what is important to me in front of me. The heroine inside me has won this week and I'm proud of all I've done.
My official weigh-in is Monday morning, so we'll see if the *Goddess of Good Numbers on the Scale* will be nice to me. But even if she isn't....I feel strong and I ended the week on a happy note.
Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
It's All In The Name
First off in my newest adventure is the name. I need a cool name. I can't copy Biggest Loser for obvious reasons: copyright infringement, no trainer, no fat farm, and there is only one person competing...me (I hope I win). I've been hanging out with thesaurus.com trying to come up with a catchy title for my game:
- Ample Deadbeat
- Enormous Down and Outer
- Monster Underdog
- Spacious Flunky
- Voluminous Flop
- Pint-Sized Hero
- Scanty Number One
- Small Scale Title-Holder
- 2010 year of the Tiger, I'm done being wider!
- I've kicked it before...Let's hear me roar?
- Gold Medal Skinny Bitch (actually I read that book in about one hour and thought it was stupid...just sayin')
- I Won a Gold Medal in Metabolism
Not Quite Fat Enough
Yeah, I'm struggling with my weight. I haven't weighed this much in my life....ever. It's sad. One of my favorite shows is Biggest Loser. I love watching over-weight people turn into athletes, probably because at one time I used to be an athlete. I love watching them work their arses off, sweat pouring off their bodies, and getting screamed at by Jillian. I can even tolerate Bob's mushy, "You can do it. I love you." crap.
Last week Bob and Jillian announce at the end of the show,"Think you got what it takes? Go on-line now and sign up for our next casting!" Hmph....I've got what it takes. I bet you $250,000 I could take whatever Jillian can dish out. I log onto the laptop, go to the Biggest Loser website, find the current casting link and...immediately notice that applicants must have at least 100 pounds to lose. I only need to loose 70 and I will be at my *super-ultimate* goal weight...I-am-not-fat-enough.
I weigh my options: Gain thirty pounds so I can possibly get a chance to work out with Jillian and get my arse kicked on national tv (including public weigh-ins wearing only my sports bra and spandex pants)? Or maybe...I do my own version of Biggest Loser: team colors, goofy challenges, crazy temptations, and even public weigh-ins wearing only my sports bra and spandex pants. I'm still debating...
Last week Bob and Jillian announce at the end of the show,"Think you got what it takes? Go on-line now and sign up for our next casting!" Hmph....I've got what it takes. I bet you $250,000 I could take whatever Jillian can dish out. I log onto the laptop, go to the Biggest Loser website, find the current casting link and...immediately notice that applicants must have at least 100 pounds to lose. I only need to loose 70 and I will be at my *super-ultimate* goal weight...I-am-not-fat-enough.
I weigh my options: Gain thirty pounds so I can possibly get a chance to work out with Jillian and get my arse kicked on national tv (including public weigh-ins wearing only my sports bra and spandex pants)? Or maybe...I do my own version of Biggest Loser: team colors, goofy challenges, crazy temptations, and even public weigh-ins wearing only my sports bra and spandex pants. I'm still debating...
Battle On...
Right now I am battling with my weight. I have so much to loose and I feel the task is so big that I tend to do not much about it. Sure, I've been working out more over the past month or so. And sure I've eaten better more days then I've eaten like crap, but...I'm still gaining weight.
Today I figured out why. You see I'm sad. I'm sad about how I have let myself go. I'm sad that I have been gluttonous at so many meals. I'm disappointed in the quantity of shiraz, zinfandel, and merlot that have slipped effortlessly down my throat. Top those beautiful glasses of vino off with the rich, high caloric, abundant food I've been eating....and here I am.
In a mere six months I have gained over thirty pounds. What the hell?!?!? In a mere six months I have gone from running a 10k to not being able to walk comfortably after running 2.5 miles. I know that *part* of this is due to my ankle injury, but *most* of it is.....me.
My counselor and I have been talking about my weight and she has asked me, "What are you stuffing?" I keep telling her, "Nothing." You see everything in my life is really good right now. My husband and I have been able to re-build a relationship that I never dreamed possible. My kids are fantastic. Besides the occasional "What were you thinking?" of my teens, I don't have a lot to complain about. I have an amazing sister who makes me laugh and wipes away my tears. My group of friends are highly supportive, and loving.
But I'm sad. As I was journaling today it hit me. Within the first minute of writing, this is what I wrote:
"I am so sad. With myself. I hate hate hate the way I look and feel right now. I feel uncomfortable, so I keep eating and drinking to numb how crappy I feel."
You see, I need to stop ignoring what I have done to my body. I need to stop pretending that I am not thirty pounds heavier then I was this spring. I need to stop numbing myself and let myself actually feel. I have been stuffing my feelings about my body and it must stop.
(For those of you on my cheering squad: I'm really not looking for any "it's okay, you're still pretty" type stuff. I just wanted to share what I am learning. <3)
Today I figured out why. You see I'm sad. I'm sad about how I have let myself go. I'm sad that I have been gluttonous at so many meals. I'm disappointed in the quantity of shiraz, zinfandel, and merlot that have slipped effortlessly down my throat. Top those beautiful glasses of vino off with the rich, high caloric, abundant food I've been eating....and here I am.
In a mere six months I have gained over thirty pounds. What the hell?!?!? In a mere six months I have gone from running a 10k to not being able to walk comfortably after running 2.5 miles. I know that *part* of this is due to my ankle injury, but *most* of it is.....me.
My counselor and I have been talking about my weight and she has asked me, "What are you stuffing?" I keep telling her, "Nothing." You see everything in my life is really good right now. My husband and I have been able to re-build a relationship that I never dreamed possible. My kids are fantastic. Besides the occasional "What were you thinking?" of my teens, I don't have a lot to complain about. I have an amazing sister who makes me laugh and wipes away my tears. My group of friends are highly supportive, and loving.
But I'm sad. As I was journaling today it hit me. Within the first minute of writing, this is what I wrote:
"I am so sad. With myself. I hate hate hate the way I look and feel right now. I feel uncomfortable, so I keep eating and drinking to numb how crappy I feel."
You see, I need to stop ignoring what I have done to my body. I need to stop pretending that I am not thirty pounds heavier then I was this spring. I need to stop numbing myself and let myself actually feel. I have been stuffing my feelings about my body and it must stop.
(For those of you on my cheering squad: I'm really not looking for any "it's okay, you're still pretty" type stuff. I just wanted to share what I am learning. <3)
Extra Baggage
Okay. I am about to admit something to the whole world. It is something that is hard for me to admit, because while my true friends see me up close and personal, some of you only know me by the internet or what you remember about me from a long, long time ago. Here it goes.....
I AM OVER WEIGHT! I am not talking the just ten pounds, or "firming" up kind of over weight. I'm talking forty-pounds-of-WAY-too-much-fat kind of over weight. I have been embarrassed by it since I became over weight in the summer of 1992. For those of you who have not followed my blog, that is the summer I was pregnant, was in a car accident, fractured my spine and pelvis, suffered nerve damage, and lost my baby.
I have been careful about pictures I post and tag myself in on Facebook. I have even been careful of actually meeting some of my Facebook friends in person. Some of you I still would not have met in person if it wasn't for your little surprise meetings...Lord knows what you all would say about me when you see more then a face shot. I could not even think about the judging and the crappy things that might be said behind my back. "Wow! She sure the hell got fat." But today was a miracle:
Today I was in my third car accident. (If we don't count the time I didn't have my license and my drunk father decided I "needed to learn how to drive" on a gravel road by Lake Sara and went into a ditch.)
Today I was stared at by someone in another car. I waved and hollered, "What the heck! Why are people staring at me!" My eight year old responded, "Maybe it's because you're beautiful." I giggled. My fourteen year old step-daughter chimed in, "Well, you are pretty."
Today one of my friends who also struggles with her weight admitted that she did NOT un-tag herself from photos on Facebook. That she is who she is. She was at the MFbbq and if she un-tags herself then she would "disappear" from the event, like she was never there. I admired her and respected her so much that I had no words to say to her. I was in awe of her inner beauty (and honestly she is really super physically pretty too).
And last, but not least, today a friend who is in the "just ten pounds or firming up" category was called fat. And to that I say.....srsly, what the...?!?!?!?
So, no more un-tagging or not tagging for me. I am still losing weight. It is weight that I gained a long, long time ago. It weight that I have lost and regained and will someday permanently release and let go of. I am who I am and...
I am the Mother Freakin' Princess. I have weight to lose and friends to gain, lives to touch, and reasons to make people smile.
I AM OVER WEIGHT! I am not talking the just ten pounds, or "firming" up kind of over weight. I'm talking forty-pounds-of-WAY-too-much-fat kind of over weight. I have been embarrassed by it since I became over weight in the summer of 1992. For those of you who have not followed my blog, that is the summer I was pregnant, was in a car accident, fractured my spine and pelvis, suffered nerve damage, and lost my baby.
I have been careful about pictures I post and tag myself in on Facebook. I have even been careful of actually meeting some of my Facebook friends in person. Some of you I still would not have met in person if it wasn't for your little surprise meetings...Lord knows what you all would say about me when you see more then a face shot. I could not even think about the judging and the crappy things that might be said behind my back. "Wow! She sure the hell got fat." But today was a miracle:
Today I was in my third car accident. (If we don't count the time I didn't have my license and my drunk father decided I "needed to learn how to drive" on a gravel road by Lake Sara and went into a ditch.)
Today I was stared at by someone in another car. I waved and hollered, "What the heck! Why are people staring at me!" My eight year old responded, "Maybe it's because you're beautiful." I giggled. My fourteen year old step-daughter chimed in, "Well, you are pretty."
Today one of my friends who also struggles with her weight admitted that she did NOT un-tag herself from photos on Facebook. That she is who she is. She was at the MFbbq and if she un-tags herself then she would "disappear" from the event, like she was never there. I admired her and respected her so much that I had no words to say to her. I was in awe of her inner beauty (and honestly she is really super physically pretty too).
And last, but not least, today a friend who is in the "just ten pounds or firming up" category was called fat. And to that I say.....srsly, what the...?!?!?!?
So, no more un-tagging or not tagging for me. I am still losing weight. It is weight that I gained a long, long time ago. It weight that I have lost and regained and will someday permanently release and let go of. I am who I am and...
I am the Mother Freakin' Princess. I have weight to lose and friends to gain, lives to touch, and reasons to make people smile.
