Cocooning

During the last few months I have taken a lot of time for myself.  I've sealed myself away from friends and even a little bit from my sister.  I stopped hosting parties, started spending a little less time on Facebook, sent out very few texts, and quit making 'extra' playdates for my kids.  I coined the word cocooning from a friend of mine who seemed to be going through a similar experience.  I wrapped myself in layers of my own thoughts, protecting myself from anyone who might hurt me in my fragile state.  I had decided that I was growing, doing some inner soul searching. 

At first, this type of reasoning with myself made sense.  I felt is was okay to step back from my social side and focus on just me, which is true for awhile.  But there came a time when it was no longer a save cocoon.  It became a place to hid from everyone.  It started to smell, taste, and look a lot like depression.  Sure, dinner got made and the dishes got done.  Okay, the dishes only really got done because someone else did them (thank you children).  But wait, laundry got washed.  Again, not by me (thank you Nathan).  I put on my happy face when required or maybe I really didn't.  Yep, I was deep in shit.  I was tired and cranky.  I slept in and quit playing games with my kids.  I wasn't interested in anything.  Well I did spend hours on my computer trying for a high score in Bejeweled Blitz so I guess I was interested in 'something'.  I canceled outings and groaned about anything I had to do.  Then Nathan reached deep into my dark, little, sad world and grabbed me.

He said, "How do you want to celebrate our anniversary this weekend?"

I said, "I dunno.  How about if we just hang out at home and cook a nice dinner?"

He said, "How about if we invite people over for a Rockband party?"

I said, "grrroooaaaannnn. I don't want to do that."

He said, "Maybe you should just think about it for awhile."

So I went to bed thinking about having a Rockband party.  And all the work involved in hosting a freaking party.  And that my house hasn't had a proper cleaning for about two months.  And that I wasn't sure I was ready to have fun yet.  And that my house is too small for large gatherings.  And that I don't know how to invite some people over without hurting other people's feelings.  And I fell asleep knowing that this Rockband party was something I had to do. 

Friday was spent with me still not really being a big help around the house, but Social Guy stepped in and kick arse on the house cleaning and Nathan did the appropriate hosting-a-lot-of-people-in-a-small-space tasks we normally do (again, thank you children and Nathan).  People started showing up and I knew Nathan had been right.  This is what I needed.  I needed the sound of laughter, good food, and social awkwardness to help crack the thick walls of this damn cocoon.  It felt good.  I felt free.  I felt awesome!

I'm out now.  I don't know how long it will last, but I know that I will enjoy every minute of it and I will be hosting a lot more parties.